Just another frustration

I don’t want to forget this moment. I already know that I have a short memory and how I feel right now should be documented in some form because I don’t want to forget this. Today, I was pushed to tears by anger that nearly made me destroy my technological devices. How did I get here?

I had spent the entire day grumbling with the perils of my menstrual circle. I remain one of the unlucky women that suffer every month to month with such rippling pain. I laid in bed all day wondering if to just tie my tubes or gouge out my womb to stop myself from such torture. I watched as emails trickled into my phone, answered the ones that did not require opening my computer, and took heavy doses of Ibuprofen while I awaited the relief of dull pain. When I woke up at 5 pm, the scalding pain in my lower abdomen was thankfully replaced with a slow buzz that would allow me actually start my day. I showered and took my leave and headed to school. It was going to be a long evening for me.

When I got to school, I was welcomed by the silence of the grad students’ office. I love it here. I love that I get to be alone with my thoughts, my computer, and my to-do list. It is a large space that is constantly buzzing with the movement of my departments’ graduate students, but at night, it is my space. I immediately set to work. I brought out my thick notebook of to-do lists and drafted today’s menu. Then I set up my laptop beside my favorite in-office desktop. I was off to a good start. It felt good.

I was scheduled to spend at least an hour creating tutorial videos for my students to use tomorrow. This task brought hell to my doorstep. I started by doing dry takes; I already knew the content by heart but I needed to be sure I made sense. I replayed one of my test videos and realized that the volume was awfully low. I started to tweak the audio settings as I searched for the solution. Ten tries later, there was no improvement. Worse, my computer started to freeze the recording software, and the entire experience dragged on. I restarted my computer twice, uninstalled and reinstalled the app but the freezing won’t stop. Three hours later, I was ready to cry. Cry I did. I started to cry and shake my laptop frantically. I opened the battery and put it back together. Nothing worked. I just let the tears flow. I picked up the laptop and nearly smashed it on the table. How did I get to the point of bawling?

This is not me. Who is this? I took my civilization 300 years back. I had half the mind to just close everything and go back home and cry some more. But, just when I decided to restart the laptop for the last time, it finally worked smoothly. After 5 hours, I have recorded the videos I need and my laptop is back to normal. But, that gut-wrenching feeling of deep frustration, I just don’t want to forget how I got there and that I can get to such space.